Not-so-bright mood on a sunny spring day
I promised to share more than just the Insta-worthy moments—my ups and downs, successes and failures, convictions and doubts. So here it goes.
Today was the first day of spring and an exceptionally gorgeous day here in Seattle. Despite the sunshine, I wasn’t in the brightest of moods.
The one-year anniversary of my fall and resulting brain injury (I’ll fill you in on the details in a couple weeks) has been looming over me. I’ve wanted to take some time off work to process the experience and how it’s changed my life, but I haven’t been able to do so. Work has been stressful and has taken more of my time and energy than I’d like. I haven’t been staying on top of household chores, visiting friends or exercising as much, or doing other things that keep me balanced and my life running smoothly.
I’ve been doing my best to push through this period and stay positive. I’ve told myself it’s temporary and won’t be like this forever. But it’s been stretching on for months. I am completely exhausted. I feel like I’m drowning and barely keeping my head above water.
Today was particularly challenging. I felt way past my threshold.
A flood of tears
On my lunch break, I left the office and retreated to a nearby park to relax in the sun by myself. It didn’t occur to me that on such a lovely day, everyone in Seattle would want to be outside enjoying the nice weather. It seemed like wherever I went noisy groups would sit right next to me and want to interact. Though I’m usually pretty chatty with strangers, I just needed to be alone with my thoughts.
I fled to the nearest secluded area—a parking lot by an alley. There was a curb nestled between some cars where I could sit and hide. I felt ridiculous, but I didn’t care. I sat down, took a deep breath, and let the tears stream down my face.
I wish I could say that I look cute when I cry. But no, even if I have only a few tears running down my cheeks, my entire face gets red, puffy, and splotchy. And the tears were really flowing.
That’s when a young man came out of a building on the other side of the alley and spotted me.
A ray of light on a tough day
He lit a cigarette and kept his distance. I thought to myself, We both need a break.
I’ve been trying to hold it together at work and in my personal life, while pushing myself to continue healing from my injury, live life to the fullest, and get traction on my goals. I just needed a moment to be real with my emotions.
At the end of his smoke break, the man didn’t go back in the building. He walked over and asked if I was okay. I looked up, ugly cry face and all, thanked him, and tried to reassure him that I was fine. He nodded and went back inside. That was nice of him, I thought.
A couple minutes later, he came back and handed me a cup of cold lemon water. I took it gratefully as I tried to own my tears—there was no sense in hiding them.
Then he said, “I cried today too.” His openness took me by surprise. I asked what caused him to cry. He recently moved to Seattle from Florida, and one of his friends back home had killed himself.
I was stunned. Here he was being so kind to me when he needed comfort himself! I gave him a big hug, and we talked for a few more minutes before he went back inside.
He didn’t ask why I was upset but returned a third time to give me a guest pass to the spa where he works, saying that I could use some relaxation.
I am so touched by his vulnerability and kindness. It made me see the day in a new light.